Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/27/04 10:51 am:
I understand thqat I am young but I see everyone else so happy. They have made there friends and know where they stand, Obvioiusly I dont know the real story but thats how I feel. Im just lonely and dont know where to turn. If youve read the post that I have put up you would of seen why Im coming to the internet for help. I dont have a bad life and im grateful but im just so lonely. ANd no1 can seem to understand that I cant get myself to ask 4 help... please respond!

-adam

Clarification/Follow-up by voiceguy2000 on 04/27/04 12:02 pm:
Let me offer a samplling of ideas in no particular order.

    1. I have been very impressed by this book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, by Sean Covey. I am sure it is available in libraries, and is fairly inexpensive in bookstores. There is a lot of good stuff in it that addresses many of the things you are dealing with.

    2. I know I will have trouble convincing you of this, but everyone you see "out there" is going through their own version of what you are going through. The head cheerleader stays up at night worrying about whether the football captain is going to ask her for a date. The class president wonders how he will work up the courage to make a speech, knowing that he will probably throw up in the bathroom beforehand. Don't be surprised if there are people out there who say, "Jeez, if I only had all the breaks that Acool has had. He's so lucky. He must be a really happy guy."

Feelings of insecurity and inadequacy come with the territory of being a teenager. So do feelings of alienation -- the sense that you don't fit in, that nobody understands you, that if people really knew you they would think you were a freak. Everybody has these. If anyone claims they don't face these feelings from time to time, they would lie about other things too.

You can't just wave a wand or take a magic pill and make these feelings go away. Rather, it is better to accept them as simply a part of life's experiences right now. For instance, when you get ready to play tennis, you know that you are going to feel a bit worn out after you have played a few sets... but this doesn't stop you from playing tennis. You know it's coming, and you accept it as part of the game, and it's fine.

Here is what is to significant about what I have just said. If you understand that everyone around is dealing with some version of these same feelings, that gives you an enormous insight when it comes to making friends and becoming more accepted socially. Think, for a moment, of how wonderful it would be if someone came into your life who seemed to understand what you were going through, who reassured you that you were a good person with a lot of talent and value, and that they really appreciated having you around. Wouldn't that be cool?

Well... you can be that person for others. I'm not talking about doing anything phony or manipulative. I am only saying that you can give yourself permission to be a good friend and companion to others -- to be a good listener -- to be a supporter and positive influence. You can be the one to encourage others to "go for it" when they feel discouraged. And you can give yourself permission to be a little bit vulnerable, to reveal something about yourself, when you are around others. It's tough, because people tend to put up a front to avoid revealing their feelings of inadequacy or fear.

    3. As an immediate strategy, I would like to challenge you to try something simple along these lines. For the next week, set the following quota for yourself:

Each day, I will notice and point out something interesting or attractive about one of my fellow students at least 10 times during the course of the day.

Hey, I see you're reading a book about [subject]. That sounds interesting.

That's really a cool T-shirt. Where did you get it?

I was really impressed with the story you told in English class this morning.

I'm really glad to hear that you made the softball team.

That was a pretty funny article you wrote for the school paper.

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/27/04 2:01 pm:
When was the last time that some1 actually came up to you on a personal level and asked if you wanted to talk about something that has been on your mind. What if you didnt even really know that person? Would you respond to them with a "personal responce." I can see where you are going with this but its not always that easy. Yes I could do what you told me to do and in fact I will give it a try but what is that going to do for me? Are you telling me that by my one comment you think someone will reach back and alll of a sudden I could tell them anything. Or maybe suddenly I wont feel so bad about myself when I see that others have flaws. I dont wuite understand that soplease explain tthat to me. Thank you so much for the response. And obviously I want ppl to notice me or pay attention to me but what you are telliung me is pretty much the opposite. Your telling me to show interest in others to block them from my vulnerability. Ok sry please respond... adam

Clarification/Follow-up by voiceguy2000 on 04/27/04 2:37 pm:
The late Earl Nightingale tells the story of a man who, coming in from the cold, sits in front of an empty woodburning stove and says, "Give me heat."

Of course, nothing happens.

It is necessary to put fuel in the stove before one can expect any heat to be produced.

Applying this to your situation, you need to make some investments of yourself before things will come back to you.

I am certainly not suggesting that you can make one simple remark and suddenly cause someone to behave like a long-lost friend. What I am suggesting is more like planting seeds. Seeds take time to grow. Some of the seeds you plant will turn out to be barren, but I can assure you that some will grow and be fruitful.

When you take the trouble to notice things about other people, as I have suggested, a number of things happen. First of all, it is a perfect excuse to be in conversation with that person. No one could possibly object to receiving a compliment or a friendly question about something they are obviously interested in and/or proud of. (OK, maybe some jerk will object just to be a jerk, but that simply means that person has their own serious problems, and that's the last thing you need to get tangled up with.)

Secondly, when you show genuine interest in other people, it makes them feel better about themselves, and makes them feel better about you. It helps you build bridges to other people, and discover common interests and values. It allows both you and the other person to relax and feel more comfortable with one another.

Third, I think you will feel better and more confident about yourself when you see how such a simple gesture can bring pleasure to others.

It is much easier to receive things like esteem, admiration, companionship, and affection when you are comfortable giving those things to others. It can take a while to develop those skills. My suggestion is a very simple first step.

Let's say you try my suggestion of noticing a book that someone is reading on a particular subject, and mention that the subject sounds interesting. That person is likely to give you an enthusiastic introduction to that subject, excited to have the opportunity to share it with someone else. Even if you hardly say a word, just by being a good listener that person will consider you to be a brilliant conversationalist, and pretty smart to boot. There will be no issue of "blocking" this person from your "vulnerability." You will be giving them the gift of attention, and planting another seed. And even though it seems like it is all about you noticing them, the fact is that people will notice you as well. You are putting wood in the stove. It is ironic that when people try to get others to notice them, it rarely works, but when they work to notice others, all of a sudden they get noticed. I can't really explain it; I just know that things work that way.

Some of the seeds you plant will grow and blossom. When that happens, you will have an array of people you can talk to about things that are on your mind. In fairness, you will also listen to the things that are on their minds, and you will all support one another in a hundred different ways.

It will not happen overnight, but you would be surprised how fast things will happen. It won't cost you anything and will not require a lot of time or effort. It just requires the courage to do it.

Give it a try tomorrow. To meet your quota you will have to do your noticing at least 2 or 3 times per hour during the school day. Do your best to hit the 10 mark one way or another.

Good luck.