Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/08/04 3:34 am:
The thing is...with my parents I do have a good relationship with them and I know that at this age I am supposed to be stupid and make mistakes to find myself. I know all about growing up, just in my mind it feels like it only applies to me. I see everyone around me moving ahead and happy with there friends and I dont have that. And maybe you think all teens think like that and most teens dont think they fit in but I really dont. I mean everyone else has friends and has a life. I feel so trapped in my little boring life: school, sport, hw, sleep and do that all over again. I dont know why im so unhappy but I am and im so scared to take the next step that could really make my life better because of rejection. Again all teens fell rejected. Well I have tried to reach out to people and make new friends but no1 ever reaches back ya know? I really dont know what tp do and I just cant talk to my parents, I REALLY CANT! Maybe you know some places or websites or hotlines(freee, that WONT be on the phone bill lol.) I know and want help, please and thank you -Adam

Clarification/Follow-up by Schoolmarm on 04/08/04 7:01 am:
Acool, as they always say, appearances are deceiving. If you really believe you're the ONLY ONE feeling the way you are, and that EVERYONE around you is happy and doing well, you're mistaken.

You haven't found your niche yet, that's obvious. That usually means that you're trying to follow the wrong path. If you don't seem to have friends, there must be a reason for it. Are you reaching out to the wrong people? Are the people you're trying to make friends with frightened off by your over-anxious approach? Do they sense your desperation? Do they have anything at all in common with you? Are you joining activities that you enjoy where you might meet people who also enjoy those things?

You do sound bored. Have you thought about working? I know you're too young for a real job, but you can offer to do odd jobs for neighbors. If you live near a horse farm, you're old enough to be mucking stalls, hot-walking horses and doing other paid chores. If you're near a hospital, you might be able to volunteer there. Libraries sometimes like to have older kids or adults read to the little kids. Again, your parents and your school are good places to start looking for stuff like that. They have contacts and ideas that you don't.

Do you do sports? Music? Computers? Play chess? Write? If you can find something you enjoy, you'd be surprised at how your focus can change. Right now, you're looking outside yourself for the answers, but the good stuff is all inside waiting for a chance to jump out at you.

As for a website, I really don't know of any trustworthy ones to recommend. Online, you never know who you're "talking" to, and the advice might do more harm than good. If you have an interest, you can go online and search out bb's that deal with that interest, but you're really going to be a much happier person if you're interacting with live human beings.

Meanwhile, I really am certain that your school's SAC is a good resource for you. Try it! You might be surprised.

Keep in touch.

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/08/04 11:39 am:
Im not desperate and even if I was, Im smart enough to know how to talk with someone and not scare them. I do play sports, I am in a junior program at my temple(like a JTC thing). Im into girls, movies, sports, just hanging out. I do have hobbies and I also play tennis 8 hrs a week at a club in a different town so I do meet different people. I know ppl and I guess you could call them friends but I really dont have one or two BEST FRIENDS which is obviously more important then having like 50 friends who arent really friends. My best friend who I really like and really likes me...the problem is we go to different schools and thats hard cuz we only see each other on the weekend.. -adam

Clarification/Follow-up by Schoolmarm on 04/09/04 1:57 am:
Well, Adam, I am impressed! I'll bet the people around you are also impressed with your intelligence and maturity, not to mention all of your activities and your large number of friends.

I'm going to guess, then, that the problem is simply that you haven't located another "best" friend yet in your immediate area. Truly, Adam, you are not alone in that. A really good, close friend isn't found; they just happen, and they are a rarity. At least you do have a best friend, and you do get to see him (her?) on the weekends. You are doing better than many people!

Y'know, kiddo, a lot of people go through their entire lives with only one or two really good friends. As I said before, sometimes appearances are deceiving. When I was your age I had a best friend . . . or so it appeared on the surface. I didn't dare let on to the other kids that my "best friend" was doing things like stealing my boyfriends, using my house as a stop-off point where she could call home for free for her mother to pick her up, and talking about me behind my back. We were always together at school and events, so everyone assumed we were buddies, and I was too embarrassed to admit the truth. As I said: things are not always as they appear. You look around and see buddies hanging out together, but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Friends come and go, even best friends. You have one, and you will probably have others as the years go by.

Maybe it's not the other kids who aren't friendly towards you, but you who are holding them all to the standard set by your real "best friend". Give that some thought.

I can see another problem, and it's one that my daughter also had to face. You spend weekends and tennis time and time at your temple in places that do not overlap in terms of the people you encounter there. You don't see the same kids at temple that you see at tennis or on the weekends with your best friend, so you don't have the constant exposure that leads to the kind of bonding that you're talking about. It's really hard to truly bond with somone you can't spend a lot of recreational time with.

That's not a bad thing, but it does explain your situation. My daughter, see, had a joint custody situation to deal with, so she spent weekends out of town. In addition, her sport was horseback riding and showing horses, so her after-school time was spent at the barn, training, where she was primarily surrounded by adults. To add insult to injury as far as her social life went, she chose to go to a private high school instead of the public school her friends attended.

But when she got to that high school, she did manage to meet some people with whom she could share interests, and her travel time to her dad's became less of an issue as she became more verbal in her complaining. ~~ The best friends she has are ones who have been her friends since junior high despite the fact that they didn't get to see much of each other. They kept in touch, and now, at 26, they are still close, and a new group of friends from high school and college were added to the mix.

It's nice to have a "best friend", but not essential. The up side is that it's fun to be able to talk openly with one trusted person. The down side is that even best friends leave. Friendships end, people move, and sometimes when you've become dependent on one person, you're really in for a shock when that person isn't around anymore.

Maybe you're better off than EVERYONE!

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/09/04 4:16 am:
I think that really helped me. I mean I do see how if im not doing things with the kids in my school then how can I make friends there. My old freinds pretty much ditched me in the beginning of 8th grade(im in 9th now). All of a sudden they wouldnt talk to me and they wouldnt call me to hang out and we eventually lost most contact with each other. And the thing that really bothers me is that they moved on and I didnt, they made new friends and I didnt, they started to really expirience being a teen and I didnt all because I was so put down not only that I lost my friends but that I didnt make any new ones. To tell you the truth I think that most kids in my school are snobby and bratty which is actually true considering the town I love in., Very wealthy JEWS lol! And the ones that are nice or like me all seem to be involved with the snobby bratty kids. And because of this I hang out with my friend at a rival school(well not a rival but it is the only other HS in my town: I go to North High and my friend goes to South High.) And I like hanging out with him and his friends but I cant get closer cuz I dont see him during the week. I know it sounds stupid but im not there in class with them when something funny happens and I dont know all the ppl they know so I still feel left out. And plus im not mature: my parents think im really irrespopnsible and nobody ever talks to me seriously. And the people around me arent impressed, they consider me a joke. I dont know im sick of feeling like this. -adam ~~please respond~~

Clarification/Follow-up by Schoolmarm on 04/09/04 6:10 am:
Adam, your time will come! You need to find a direction in which to "move on". You're issue isn't just that your friends made new friends and began to launch a full-fledged teenaged life. Kids are cruel and fickle. If you're 13 and near the end of 9th grade, that makes you one of the youngest in the class, doesn't it? Oddly, the age at which you enter 9th grade (unlike the rest of the grades, when age at entrance makes little difference) can make a huge difference in how you succeed socially. Just a few months' time changes the developmental picture. Again, it's a bunch of statistics and studies, and I'm not going to go into all the details, but the human body does what it does for reasons that society doesn't necessarily understand, so we don't even try to accommodate the changes in an appropriate way. That's a long way of saying, "It's not all you." Some of it's Mother Nature's little joke on adolescents, called "onset of puberty". ^^

I was in the same boat when I was 13. I graduated from high school just after I turned 17. I barely got my license in time for graduation! That's almost unheard-of now, as someone with a brain finally figured out that throwing little kids into big kid school was damaging to little psyches. But when I was a kid, no one cared about self-esteem. As a result, I was shorter, smaller, less-adept physically, and on a different maturational level from my classmates. Some of them were nearly two years older than I was. It didn't take long for me to feel like an outsider. That continued into college, where I was the last one to turn 21. The fun just never ends! *LOL*

But, I survived. I didn't have a real best friend, but I did have my sports and my books, and a couple of nice kids in my neighborhood to hang out with, and as time went by, I "found myself" . . . figured out who I was and what I had to offer. By the time I graduated from college, I was the classic fraternity sweetheart with more friends that I ever thought existed.

Speaking of which, have you tried making friends with girls? My very, very best friend in college was a guy. We wound up being best friends for more than twenty years. Platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex can be fun and rewarding.

You're right; you are at a disadvantage because you are not there when the fun stuff is going on. Maybe there's something you can do to change that a little. Is there something you can do at your own school to replace one of the activities that currently drag you away to parts unknown? You said you play tennis at a club somewhere else. Does your school have a team? Are you on it? Is there a local rec league of some sort that you can join where the members will be mostly your classmates? Help me, here, Adam! There's got to be someplace where you and your soon-to-be-best-friends can meet.

By the way, be careful about posting exact information on the net. Even here on Answerway, where we experts are screened and approved, there are people lurking who you would prefer not to have aware of what high school you attend or where you hang out. Word to the wise, K?

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/09/04 6:58 am:
First of all im 14 BUT I am still the youngest one in my grade. My birthday is the end of October and the cut off date for my grade is early december. And I am smaller then most ppl in my grade and physically smaller. I do have friends that are girls. My school does have a tennis team but I didnt make it cuz they it was only one team and they didnt take freshmen. So im doin vollyball instead. I really dont know what to say as to what I can do to get out there more because AS I SAID I do have problems socially just because I do have social anxiety disorder and I know I have it and that just brings me back into a circle because im as I said i cant talk to my parents about this and so Im not gonna get any help. I know this sounds like Im not willing to help myself but I just cant. Please rite back -adam

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/10/04 5:48 am:
Ok I know you said that you cant help me but your saying that their is no alternative to being helped? And you dont have ne resourses where I can find help? Please if you do just respond back, and I just need some1 to talk to.

-adam

Clarification/Follow-up by Schoolmarm on 04/11/04 3:11 am:
Adam, if you truly believe you have social anxiety disorder, then you really do need to receive help in person from someone in your area. I have no idea where, exactly, you are, so I can't recommend anyone, and I certainly don't want you to post your location on this board.

I'm going to repeat my earlier recommendation (I know you're tired of hearing it, but bear with me) that you visit your school's Student Assistance Counselor (or whatever designation that person has in your district) and ask for help. That counselor will be able to help you find the resources you need in your area. This is just a question board, meant for people who are researching or simply looking for ideas and information. No one here (or anywhere else) is qualified to give psychotherapy online, even with a definitive diagnosis by a professional.

I'm not sure what kind of alternative you are looking for. If your concern is that you can't bring yourself to talk to a counselor because of your anxiety and shyness, then try writing a note and leaving it in the counselor's mailbox in the main office of your school. The counselor will then seek YOU out, so you won't have to feel so worried about how you will present yourself to him/her.

Please try my suggestion, and get back to me with the results. You're probably on spring break this week (all the schools here are), so I know you won't be able to do much until the 19th. If you want help composing a note that you can send to the counselor, I'll be happy to oblige.

JMF

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/11/04 12:56 pm:
Ok thank you so much for the help but im just gonna have to live with feelings like sh**. Sry didnt know if I was allowed to curse lol. Neway thank you!

-adam

Clarification/Follow-up by Schoolmarm on 04/12/04 3:13 am:
Adam, it's your choice whether or not you live with the bad feelings you're having. In your position, many kids do exactly that. But you do have resources at you command if you choose to use them.

Please rethink this and try talking to someone who--at very least--will help you understand what your options are in the area in which you live. It's always a shame to watch someone so young feeling so unhappy when there is the possibility of solving at least some of the problems.

Just remember that, no matter how it may look to you right now, you are not alone, and the future will be considerably different (and brighter!) than the present appears to be.

JMF

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/24/04 5:59 am:
Hey, remember me! I just thought of something and I just thought id get your opinion. The last time we talked I kept sayign that I just cant talk to my parents. ANd something happened this morning that...well I dont kow but here it is. Anyway my sister is 20 and goes to University of Maryland. She has had a boyfred since she was 16. They were in love with each other but they broke up for some reason. I dont know if he had another girlfriend or he wasnt ready. And she is also looking for a job this summer. My mom was helping her and making some calls. But my sister was just not wanting to get out of bed so my mom went in to her room and started to yell at her and she broke out in tears. My mom thought it was because she yelled at her but it obviously wasnt. SHe is still upset about her breakout. My mom then said "I know your upset about this but you have to move on and not let this interfere with your life." My sister was still crying so my mom asked if she wanted to talk about it. And my sister said "why would I want to talk to you about this." ANd I could tell that she just didnt want to talk about it with my PARENTS. And another reason is because I know that she tlaks to my cousins fiance. Hes so nice and they talk once in awhile and he was making her feel better about the breakup. So it may sound stupid but there must be something wrong if both me and my sister dont like talkign to my parents about these types of things. So why is this, they give us everything we want and need (were not spoiled, just fortunate), their not abusive in anyway, its just that we dont feel comfortable with them or what? Whateer I just thought id get ur opinion on this. Please respond! ~adam~

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/24/04 12:31 pm:
There is a feeling in my gut that literally hurts when I think about talking to my parents. Its not that I think they wont understand but its just so uncomftorable to ttalk to then about something like this. And yes they are to hooked on me being perfect. Im a freshmen now. Im doing very well in school. I have an A average in school. Last quarter I got all A's and two B's. This quarter I got three B's. So I went down in one class (which was prolly only 2 or 3 points on my average) I went from a 92 to a 88. And they were saying you should work harder and your slacking off. So I responded but I only went down in one class and it doesnt affect it because colleges look at the overall average for the year. And they said well we just want the best for you. But in my heart I know that they are saying that because of my sister. She was always smarter and worked harder. Its annoying because they are demanding more then what I am doing which is alot. My average for the whole year is a 92. And that is good enough for me and prolly good enough for more people. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh im so annoyed and I dont wanna hear there shit. Sry but it crosses the line when they want me to be perfect. And they claim thats not the case!!!!!!!!!Ahhh im so confused!!!!!!!!

Clarification/Follow-up by Acool on 04/25/04 5:38 am:
I dont even know how this got to JUST talking to my parents. I didnt come here for that, Im not feeling good. Im depressed, lonely and weve went back and forth and I have no way out. I may have options with my parents and my SAC. But i dont know what to do im confused and dont wanna tlak to ne1. i dont know what to think. why am i so scared to get help?!?!?!?!