Clarification/Follow-up by CeeBee2 on 10/14/04 7:54 am:
I read your "question" while here at work, during an explosion of activity around me, and added myself to your frustrations by missing the part about your wife's already taking meds AND screwing up on the interview time. I have no solution, as you know, but I'm not indifferent. I'm willing to call you on my dime to roleplay the interview, if that would help, or, like I had said, even just exchange email with you so you can vent.

CeeBee/Carol
ceebee1110@yahoo.com

Clarification/Follow-up by Anonymous on 10/15/04 2:10 pm:
Well, the interview lasted for over 4 hours and I think it went extremely well, but I've thought that before several times this year with other places. I do have to submit some sample work and research examples, but I can knock that out in just a couple of days, well before the deadline.

The children, house, and dog are all cared for pretty well. I wish she would do more stuff with the kids, but I understand why she doesn't. I mean, she does some, but...well, never mind, my mind isn't working as well tonight.

I stayed at home with the six year old when he was 2 years old for several weeks after I was laid off from my banking job. Damn Wells Fargo and their buyouts!!!!! It was one of the toughest things I've ever done, and I have a full appreciation of what staying home with a child can do to you.

Since she's gone right now (JUST as I predicted--how 'bout that) I'm going to take a little time and hand write a bit to her. I seem to express myself better in writing than in words to her, I don't know why. I have a very difficult time expressing my feelings to her, and it seems I only have two: happy and angry. Happy is pretty obviously just exactly what it appears to be. However, most other emotions come across as anger.

Sad=angry
scared=angry
jealous=angry
insecure=angry
frustrated=angry
confused=angry
angry=angry

There's gotta be a better way, y'know?

Clarification/Follow-up by powderpuff on 10/15/04 2:33 pm:
Yes, there's gotta be a better way. How about next time she gets the energy to go out for an evening of relaxation and fun, you join her?!

Anger is a common reaction to all those things in your list. You can change that too with a little work by reminding yourself about what is really important in life....

Hang in there, life does get better :)

Clarification/Follow-up by Anonymous on 10/15/04 3:07 pm:
Who's gonna watch the kids? We don't know all that many people here, and sure don't have a steady, reliable babysitter.

Besides, I HATE clubs, and don't care for bars. On the rare occasions when I DO drink (such as this exact moment) I much prefer to do so in the comfort and safety of my own home. I hate the "meat market" atmosphere of clubs, and I hate the drunk jackasses that inevitably want to be obnoxious, which is a tragic mistake around me. You may or may not know me from another board around here, but I am a military veteran, and a Special Operations vet at that, something I don't throw around, but what the hell, I AM a bit drunk. I'm also on the Christianity board a bit, though not so much lately, 'cause most folks brand of "Christianity" don't set too well with me. Buncha judgemental, holier than thou types.

But I digress. It's simple, really. Number one, I cannot dance. Faaarrrr too white. Play a good blues guitar, though. Number two, ever since some dork rolled a hand grenade into a club I was in down in the Phillipines, I cannot, and I do mean CANNOT stand to be in ANY crowded place with no easy means of escape. On my separation exam, the doc asked me if I wanted to get a referral to a pshrink for that, and I laughed at him. "With all the s**t I seen doc," I said, "you worried about me and not liking a club?" I got far more serious matters to keep me up at night, thank you very much.

I'm gonna be up for a while, if you are. This homemade wine be sho nuff fine...

Send something back quick if you're up, if not, I'll leave you alone.

Clarification/Follow-up by powderpuff on 10/15/04 10:34 pm:
Hello again,

Sorry, I hit the sack after my last clarification to you.. but I'm here now.

Babysitters are a problem, yes I agree. When my children were young, I could not trust just anyone to come sit with my children.... But our church had a list of responsible and recommended young people to babysit, check with your church and see if your church has such a list.

I don't like bars and bar type situations either, so I sure don't blame you for not wanting to join in that kind of 'fun'...
But you could got out for a nice meal and a movie, or a play once in a while. Surely there is some kind of outing you could enjoy with your wife that doesn't involve bars.

Hope you are fine this morning!

pp

Clarification/Follow-up by Anonymous on 10/18/04 1:58 am:
'Fraid not. I was not fine Sat morning, nor Sun morning, and this morning ain't too hot, either.

The evening was an utter disaster. I came dragging in from the interview and my wife asked me how it went. I told her I thought it went really well, but I've thought that before several times this last year, only to be passed over. My fear, insecurity, and anxiety were plainly evident, and she talked some, but the only gist I heard was that tired old BS line about "meant to be." Then she was off to finish getting ready and head out the door. I played with my kids until it was time for them to go to bed, then a commenced to wasting some beautiful, bold Mountain Rhine wine that was meant to be savored and luxuriated in, not to be used as a substitute for Mad Dog 20/20. By the time she got in at 2:30 or so, I was NOT in a good state. No one believes me, but my primary concern when she's out (especially in those types of locations) is that she returns home safely. I worry about that, given all I've heard about people being assaulted in parking lots or hit by drunks on their way home. I never wanted to use that time to confront her with my feelings, but I did. Furthermore, I did so in as nasty a manner as I've ever done anything. Bad, bad, bad.
I knew when I was doing it, that it was the wrong time and the wrong conditions. But after sitting on these feelings for months with no perceived safe outlet for them, and then instilling myself (no pun intended) with artificial courage, I just let loose.
I know I need to learn how to communicate my feelings better. As it is, I only really show 2: happiness and anger. Happiness, rare though it may be, is pretty straightforward. However, in its expression, insecurity=anger, fear=anger, jealousy=anger, sadness=anger, confusion=anger, etc. But on yet another hand, I would think that after 12 years of being together, 8 of which have been in marriage, that she would have figured out that what you see is not necessarily the best picture of what's going on, and cared enough to find out. I feel like she's the only one who's allowed to act in whatever manner she wishes based on how she's feeling. She can stomp around the place like God-freakin'-zilla when she's upset, and the rest of us just better snap to. But I am not allowed to be angry, and if I am, I just better get over it.
Maybe that's accurate and maybe it's not. I say it is, she almost says it is, but stops short.
In any event, after two days of virtual silence between us, we finally got to talking a little bit last night, and may have actually made some headway. She said I shocked her and frightened her a little bit Friday night. Part of me says, "Good! Because it's a new day and a new age and by God I WILL BE HEARD!!!!" But most of me is sick to my stomach (literally. I feel physically like crap still today) that I could inspire those feelings in the one that I love so much, despite the imperfections.
I'm nowhere near perfect. In fact, I'm a piece of crap sometimes. But even a piece of crap has feelings, and those feelings are valid if for no other reason that I have them. They deserve to be heard. A lot of them I really don't like. But if not liking something made it go away, we would have no murder, no terrorism, no hunger, no domestic violence, no child abuse....

Clarification/Follow-up by powderpuff on 10/18/04 2:20 am:
Hello, again...
I'm really sorry things got so out of control there for a minute..... sheesh!

Okay then.

She had it coming, she really really did... and she still may not fully understand the depth of your bad feelings, but at least you spilled your guts out. And now 2 and a half days later, you are suffering even more!

The good news: you KNOW now how not to approach your wife with your concerns.

I don't know a lot about drinking alcohol, but from what you wrote, I can guess- what you drank was some nice wine that someone might like to drink while having a nice time as opposed to drinking some cheap stuff when you are just trying to drown your miseries? And you drank sufficient amount that any inhibitions and/or careful considerations you might have had, vanished.
Be careful, that could happen to anyone drinking under your conditions. (I bet you know that now too, huh?)

Your situation and the feelings you have about it are valid. I don't think your wife is denying that, she more likely is simply not acknowledging it. --Though you think you may have made some progress with getting her to understand you, she stops short of validating any of it for you.

I think one of the problems you have is a communication problem. What happened to your idea of writing to her? Somehow you have got to let her know (without the 'help' of alcohol) that you have some upset feelings going on inside that are just as bad as the ones she has when she is acting out her frustrations.

I'm sorry she passed by you when you came home, seeming to be in a hurry to go out for her time of fun. If you can talk to her some more, you might find that she was not trying to brush you off, she just did not understand because, she was sooo looking forward to her time out that she was not really focused on what you wanted to tell her. She really just might not understand, yet. If you can find a better way to communicate your feelings to her, she might begin to understand the things you need. She may be so wrapped up in wanting to get away from her job, (which she LIVES at), that she was not focused on anything but getting the heck out of there asap. That is not to say that she does not love you, or would not care how badly you are feeling about things, IF she knew.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

pp

Clarification/Follow-up by Anonymous on 10/18/04 3:03 am:
You know, you're an all right person. You're one of the very, very few women (sorry if that's a wrong assumption, but the "powderpuff" moniker kinda makes me lean that way) that GETS IT. Of the few people I've actually talked to (the VERY few) outside this board, most are too busy trying to explain the difference between men and women or push some Mars and Venus crap down my throat that they don't LISTEN to what I'm saying.

It was a lovely wine, and was terribly misused. If I were a Greek mythology person, I would be having to offer up some serious apologies to Dionysus, or however you spell his name. I am a pretty experienced drinker, not an alcoholic, but I do know my way around a fine wine and/or some good ales. Don't like the darks, and don't like the hard stuff, though.

I'm not at all sorry for WHAT I said to her, but I do regret my lack of patience, as I meant to do it the next day. Like I said, I'm not sorry for WHAT I said, but I am sorry for WHEN I said it, and to a large degree, HOW I said it. But I got her attention, and even she left-handedly said that it needed to happen. She readily said she didn't deserve it Fri night, but DID deserve it on several other occasions. That kinda made me feel like she actually LISTENED to me for once, and that helps. I started working on something yesterday to hopefully help me communicate with her (and by default everyone else, I guess) about things like feelings and stuff, that us testosterone-laden neanderthals aren't all that good at. She saw me working on it (though I wasn't hiding, I wasn't right in her face doing it) so she knows I'm serious about letting her know how I feel, and do so in a way that doesn't just start more s**t. I have hope. I always have hope. I WILL rekindle that fire to a full blaze again.

Just wish I knew exactly how...

Clarification/Follow-up by powderpuff on 10/18/04 8:44 am:
:)
Thanks, yes I'm a woman.

I can't tell you exactly how, but I can exchange ideas with you, and be here while you figure it out.

When you feel like you are losing your patience, counting does help.

I hope things continue on in a positive direction for you, but remember, this is something you are going to have to work on, for yourself, by yourself and with your wife. Get her on the same page and maybe the two of you can start working together again as loving, supportive partners.