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| Awards to the not-so-wise |
CeeBee |
12/28/03 |
Quick Takes column
December 28, 2003
BY ZAY N. SMITH
CHICAGO SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
It is time for the Second Annual QT Awards. These follow the First Annual QT Awards, which were given in 1997.
And, yes, there does seem to be a problem here, but it is too late to do anything about it now.
*****
Modern Education + the Criminal Mind Award: A man in Greenfield, Wis., tried to rob a gun store at knifepoint.
*****
Why No One Will Tell Johnny He Can't Read Award: Teachers at a middle school in Smethwick, England, have been instructed not to use red pens to grade schoolwork because "a red pen has negative connotations" that might be upsetting to pupils.
*****
As We Continue to Seek a Cure for Modern Psychiatry Award: Children who talk back to their elders are now said to suffer from oppositional defiant disorder.
*****
George W. Bush Award in Rhetoric and Public Discourse (tie):
*Former Democratic presidential candidate Bob Graham questioning the veracity of President Bush's Iraq pronouncements:
"I would not use the three-letter word. I would use the five-letter word: deceit."
*Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark when asked how he would respond if any of his political opponents criticized his patriotism or military record:
"I'll beat the s--- out of them."
*****
The Case for Zero Tolerance of Modern School Administrators Award: A 6-year-old boy at Struthers Elementary School in Ohio who took a plastic knife from the school cafeteria so he could later show his mother that he had learned how to butter bread was suspended for 10 days for possession of a weapon.
*****
Palestinian Family Values Award: The Izz-a Din Al-Qassam Brigades, terrorist faction of the Hamas, now asks for parental permission slips for young suicide bombers.
*****
Scientific Calibration of the Year: Astronomers, having previously announced that the universe is between 9 billion and 12 billion years old and then having announced that it is between 8 billion and 11 billion years old and then having announced that it is between 13 billion and 14 billion years old and then having pinpointed its age at 11.5 billion years, announced in 2003 that they had pinpointed its age at 13.7 billion years.
*****
Diplomat of the Year: Former Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan during negotiations with Kuwait at an Islamic summit in March: "Shut up, you monkey! Curse be upon your mustache, you traitor!"
*****
Those Weapons of Mass Destruction Must Be Around Here Somewhere Award: The University of Missouri is in the third year of its search to find someone to fill the Kenneth L. Lay Chair in International Economics.
*****
Reformer with Results Award: The Bush administration relaxed federal air pollution standards, proposed cuts in federal mine-safety enforcement, proposed cuts in funding for corporate crime-fighting by the Securities and Exchange Commission and supported special breaks for corporations that locate offshore to dodge taxes.
*****
Newspaper Correction of the Year: "The [Washington State University] Daily Evergreen would like to sincerely apologize for an injustice served to the Filipino-American, Spanish-speaking and Catholic communities on the front page of Thursday's Evergreen. The story 'Filipino-American history recognized' stated that the 'Nuestra Senora de Buena Esperanza,' the galleon on which the first Filipinos landed at Morro Bay, Calif., loosely translates to 'The Big Ass Spanish Boat.' It actually translates to 'Our Lady of Good Hope.'"
*****
Johnnie Cochran Award in Marketing and Jurisprudence: A lawyer in Egypt announced he will sue the world's Jews, seeking reparations for gold, jewelry, cooking utensils, clothing and silver ornaments taken during the Exodus from Pharaonic Egypt, as recounted in the Old Testament.
*****
Warning Label of the Year: On the Nissan NX2000: "Don't drive standing up through the sunroof while you're closing it."
*****
Newth Item of the Year: A young woman in Berkthire, England, thurvived when a bolt of lightning thtruck her tongue thtud.
*****
Forty-Nine Years and Counting Since Brown vs. Board of Education Award: UCLA now holds separate graduation ceremonies for Latinos, African Americans, Filipinos, Asian Pacific Islanders, Iranians and American Indians in order to promote "cultural alternatives" and diversity.
*****
The Not Me Decade (In Which Everybody Else Is Responsible for Everything) Award: An Ontario man who demanded to be his own defense attorney in a trial for cocaine possession appealed his conviction on the grounds that he was not provided with competent legal counsel.
*****
Motion to Dispense with the Calling of the Roll Award: News item in the Gulf Times: "HH the Emir Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani yesterday received a letter from Kuwaiti Emir Sheikh Jaber al-Ahmed al-Sabah containing an invitation to HH Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa to attend the Supreme Council meeting of GCC leaders to be held in Kuwait next month. Abdulrahman Salim al-Atiqi, the adviser at the office of the Emir of Kuwait, handed over the letter during a meeting with HH the Emir at Al Wajbah Palace. The meeting was attended by HE Mohamed Eissa al-Muhannadi, the Minister of State for Cabinet Affairs, HE Sheikh Abdulrahman bin Saudal-Thani, the private secretary of HH the Emir, and HE Dhari Airan al-Airan, the Kuwaiti ambassador to Qatar."
*****
A Republic, If You Can Keep It Award: Forty-one percent of Americans have no idea who J. Dennis Hastert is.
*****
While C-SPAN Was Busy Covering the House Subcommittee on Commercial and Administrative Law Award: Pushing and shoving broke out at the Young Republicans convention in Boston in a dispute over the proper interpretation of Robert's Rules of Order.
*****
Supermarket Headline of the Year: "HOT CAKES NO LONGER SELLING WELL." |
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